Table for One, Please

Normally I would avoid, at ALL costs, saying I’m ashamed of being single, but events of this week have prompted me to proclaim my struggle against the stigma of “singlehood.” Yes, I realize the condition of being single can be likened to an untouchable disease. If not that fatal, it’s certainly a detriment that at times has made me despise the invention of social media. Daily, I’m left to gaze upon one more Ex who’s engaged to the woman he dated right after me, one more wedding announcement, one more photo of me as a bridesmaid, and one more online shopping trip to Baby Gap for a best friend. If I sound like another bitter, unattached female, I assure you I’m not. That may be the stereotype placed on a single woman’s dispirited reaction to these glorious announcements, however, after a catholic period of self-reflection and several wine informed discussions with friends, I’ve come to acknowledge this reaction as more akin to self-contempt. Oh joy! Let me freely admit my shame and self-contempt on the internet. What a GREAT idea!

So yeah … whatever, I admit it. Being single in your late 20’s sucks. Most of my friends are engaged, married, or pregnant and working on their second child. I’ll admit the river of joyous FB congratulations rushes strong and steadily into my big bowl of self-contempt. But, even though I’m genuinely happy for my friends and their chosen journeys, I often find myself in an emotional conundrum between celebrating their passages and the feeling of melancholy that accompanies my current route of singlehood. This happiness for others is often clouded by self-blame for not following the same path at this point in my life. After all, isn’t this the accepted norm?

First comes love, then comes marriage and then comes baby in the baby carriage. How do we expand outside the cultural norms that inform us from the earliest of age? And … do we actually believe that those who do operate outside the box are missing the boat?

As this week progressed, I wondered if being single when most of my friends are “settled” would feel as awkward without social media? Eh... Probably but most likely there’d be less fuel added to my awareness of shame. And speaking of “settled,” do we, as a society, feel that women who stay single for a good quarter of their lives (cause apparently I plan to live until I'm 110) are ultimately unsettled? Is this even a fair characterization?

Sometimes I’m thrown off when people take more interest in my lack of a long term relationship than my creative endeavors. Their benevolent desire to 'put me out there,' obscures my obvious passion for singlehandedly building a life that provides me a fair amount of comfort and leisure. Does that put me in the category of an “unsettled and selfish life” or rather among the ranks of the “stable and assured?”

As a child, one of my first memories was the stamp and card business I invented. This wasn’t the wedding that I didn’t plan, or the baby dolls that I refused to play with, but one of the countless businesses I built from the recesses of my childhood imagination. Are we, as children, designed for a path that isn’t forged as we go, but already ingrained in our desires? Would I have focused more on long term relationships if I’d planned a wedding instead of a business? Can I blame my genes for my singlehood? That sure would be a relief! When asked about my love life, I could just respond with “oh, actually, I’m currently working through my love for business genes.”

When I say that “I’m focusing on my career right now,” (because I find that a personal necessity to happiness), people tend to respond with a “good for you, forge your own path,” or “that’s great, figure your life out before settling down.” Why do I hear 'good luck with that … you obviously don’t know what you want'? There are so many awkward social interactions that single women have with those on the other side of the box that can be detrimental to one’s self-esteem … that psychological squishy thing without which it’s hard to live well! Imagine having to do a super-woman pose in front of the mirror while chanting encouraging compliments after each social media session?

The more I delve into the thoughts and worries of a single woman’s life, the more I come to recognize that I’m forging a path all my own. It’s a personal route that, whatever may lie along the way, be it a baby, a baby daddy, or a baby free business enterprise, will be a journey of my own invention.

So, single ladies, ladies of business, and ladies who often drink wine to quell the self-contempt that may be lurking inside … I say to you... be who you are … enjoy life outside of the ‘box’, whatever that may be. And whoever you may be … own the journey you’ve fashioned for yourself and lose the shame of being single somewhere along the way. Enjoy your accomplishments and relish the single life … cause chances are you’ll arrive at the end of singlehood with the confidence and smiles to start on the next byway wherever that might lead.

With renewed self love,

the guilty raccoon.

#relationships #theguiltyraccoon