The Guilt of Caring Outside Yourself

I’ve been thinking a lot about single motherhood the past few weeks. And while I’m far, or possibly not too far from that prospect, it has been weighing on my mind. You may laugh when I make the following comparison, or it may remind you of the first time you also realized that having to account for a life other than your own bears a huge amount of guilt.

I’ve been.... dog sitting for the past two weeks. Not small, fluff ball, yippy dog sitting; but 80 lb cattle herding babe with big kill-me-now brown eyes, dog sitting. As a single woman in a one room studio with a full time job, this has been an adjustment. I was unprepared, to say the least; unprepared for the amount of work (and walking), and unprepared for the amount of guilt that ensued when I couldn’t do as much as I’d promised.

As both the Pup and I have been adjusting to a new way of life, we’ve also had to make some concessions. No longer do I sleep for more than 5 hours. No longer do I spend more than 4 hours out of the apartment at a time. No longer are sleep overs and eating pasta while watching TV on the floor allowed. My time consists completely of caring for her. Caring if she’s sleeping, and rejoicing when she does. Caring that she’s fed, walked, does her business and isn't trapped in an apartment all day. When I’m not doing these things, I feel guilty.

As I ride the bus to and from work several times a day, I wonder how single mothers do this. How, when having a newborn, do you handle working and caring for that tiny version of yourself? I’ve realized that guilt must be inherent when you care for someone outside yourself; someone who can’t care for themselves. Their well-being starts to take priority over your own. And is this healthy? Can you balance your happiness and someone else’s at the same time?

And yes, I know that a dog is miles from a tiny human, but it has opened my eyes to the time, effort and pain that my own mother put into raising my brother and me. It has actually compiled more guilt, if you can believe it. I feel guilty for being such a brat for the first 18-25 years of my life (I’ll leave that calculation up to her). But that version of myself is in the past and unfortunately can’t be changed. But what can be changed now, to help lift the guilt of that time, is first realization. Whenever my mother said, “someday you’ll understand,” all I ever thought was, yeah right. I’m never gonna be like this. And now, I feel such shame for not understanding it sooner. I’ve effectively spent my entire life having to worry only about myself. And while something as small as dog sitting has changed my perspective, it’s also thrown me into adulthood. Into what it actually means to care outside of oneself. Does it make me pathetically self-absorbed that I am just realizing this now?Hello weekly shrink sessions.

And while realization is important, all I know how to offer alongside that is a healthy dose of meaningful thank you’s, soooo you were rights and a side of I’m truly grateful.... with some spa days tossed in. As I sit here continuously in awe of mothers (and refilling my bc), I wonder if this was my mother’s plan when she asked me to dog sit? Did she know, as an all seeing oracle of motherhood, that I would finally understand what a pain in the ass I’d been and how grateful I am she didn’t ask for a refund when I’d turned 16?

With understanding and a renewed desire to show compassion,

the guilty raccoon

#relationships #theguiltyraccoon